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I've been thinking a lot about trust lately and how it is such an essential element for any true transformation.
For many of us, trust is fragile, so when we are asked to trust ourselves, our body, that life has our back, or in the process of surrendering, it feels like putting our life into something or someone else's hands and it feels impossible. Yet, we need it to move forward, to allow newness to come into our life, and it is a required ingredient to experience authentic fulfillment.
Trust allows us to be vulnerable while feeling connected and safe. It will enable us to go to new places and explore new territories without worrying that we will be interrupted, arrested, or punished for having put our walls down.
The absence of trust shuts down curiosity and doesn't allow for adventures and surprises. It keeps us stuck and replaying the same old patterns over and over again.
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A little while ago, I noticed a limit to when and where I could be vulnerable and trust myself and my environment. I had been going through a transition period with my work that felt like it was taking too long, and I was becoming impatient, so I decided to ask for help. We often get to see where the edge of our evolution is when we engage with the people closest to us, the ones we love the most, so I decided to open this conversation with my husband.
I told him I had been feeling stuck, and I asked him to tell me how I was in my own way, from his perspective. He works closely with me in my business and knows me really well, so I wanted to know if he saw something I couldn't see or that perhaps was out of my awareness yet obvious to him. When what he answered wasn't what I wanted to hear, I felt my belly contract and a tightening in my heart.
Because of my work, I knew right away this had nothing to do with him, and I got curious about why my body was reacting so strongly to someone I love and feel safe with offering me help. The feeling was: "I want your help but to a certain extent. I trust you, but there is a limit. I will let you love me, but up to a point." I noticed how closing up and shutting down is my default when I feel like I am losing control.
I became curious about this edge, this place I don't go to, this inaccessible space. It seemed to me that if I could go there, it would be a place of deeper trust, perhaps in myself, but more accessible to my awareness was a deeper trust with life itself. This space felt like shame.
Looking back, I can see how it takes a big event for me to ask for help and accept it fully. My trust that life has my back has been conditional, conditional on the stakes being very high and having safe people around me.
Yet trusting life has been central to my spiritual evolution for the past two decades. Without it, I wouldn't have been able to shed the layers of conditioning that kept me from being the teacher and the author I have become. My deep trust in our bodies' capacity to process high levels of energy and information to heal, free ourselves, and grow into the more we are meant to have significantly contributed to creating a life I couldn't have imagined 20 years ago.
Yet, here I was, asked to deepen my trust in life force energy, in Her, like never before.
I say Her because, in my experience, the feminine side of consciousness is the ground and the source from which everything is born. I like to address the creative force of the universe as the great mother because nothing can be born without her, and no-thing is possible.
As a woman, I felt and still feel in my body the lack of complete understanding of Her role in my life. I also know from my conversation with awakened men that they also struggle to understand Her role in their lives.
The divine feminine life force is rising in all of us. However, we have minimal points of reference in history for what it looks like to let Her take more space in our bodies and thoughts. We're also learning how to engage Her with our words and actions.
There is no blueprint. We can't remember a time when vulnerability, unconditional love, and fierce clarity of fire worked as one in our being, for the greater good, supporting our core desires, health, and fulfillment. The ground that is Her, with all her power, is rising in all of us, and we don't know how to trust Her, how to trust ourselves with Her, and how to create a new world with Her.
So there I was, needing to go deeper with my trust in life, in Her. Through meditation and contemplation, I realized that this lack of trust is holding me back from fully speaking the truth of who I am, publicly. If I imagined myself on a large stage, I felt like an impostor. Like if someone really listened to what I was saying, they would find out I was lying.
This was the root of the shame and it was a big one. Lying about what? Where was this shame coming from?
When I traced back this shame that lived in my body, I followed it all the way back to the night of the car accident. Over the years, I have focused on and shared the positive aspects of the accident, highlighting the near-death experience and its impact on my life. But I realized I hadn't owned the whole experience. Mainly, I never really addressed the huge amount of rage that took over me that night, trapped in this steel box, unable to breathe and move, angry at life, angry at Her. I had been lying to myself.
To be continued….
Read part two: "Merging Back with Her: Deep Feeling, Spiritual Mastery, and Trust."
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